Grief, sunshine and no wifi
You probably saw that I had taken a few days off and hit the hills for some much-needed sunshine. Sorry Dublin, summer has been ok but let’s be honest we could all use more sunshine! A bit of a last-minute trip, mostly because Mr B and I couldn’t decide where to go but we finally got organised, packed our carry-on luggage (Ryanair weren’t getting another cent out of me!) and off we went to sunny Fuerteventura.
I know I am very lucky to be in a position to go on holidays and more so this year than ever. This holiday was more than a getaway in the sun. It was the time I need to pause and really pause. I haven’t felt myself the past few months. Understandably I guess given that I lost two very special ladies some months back and while some say grief is different for everyone (which is true), I feel my grief on different days and at different times takes different forms. While life keeps moving, I have managed to go with it but in a strange, fog like state. I returned to work, met various deadlines and obligations but I felt my drive, my inspiration had gone and here on the blog, I felt I had nothing to say.
I don’t know if this is the form my grief has taken but I am connecting the two together. When something so big such as death happens, and in my case two, life is never the same. I was very aware of my creative block and thought it was the end of my creative side for good. I tried all sorts of things to ‘get it back’ but nothing seemed to shift. I spoke to various friends, colleagues and creative folk and they all said the same thing to me; ‘take your time, it will come back’. I knew they were right but in the age of social media I couldn’t help feel that if I wasn’t present (online) things would disappear even faster than I felt they already were.
Why am I telling you all this now? Because I learnt a few things on my holiday. A holiday I intended to do nothing on. Literally. I wanted a place that had sun, a pool and food. I left the laptop at home and didn’t even put on an out-of-office message (sorry I will respond to your emails soon!). I packed four dresses, a swimsuit, sandals, a hat, bb cream, mascara, cleanser, moisturiser, sunscreen, a hat and a book. All this for five days in the sun. I did bring my camera but didn’t take a single photograph. There are a few snaps from my phone but that’s it. I finished my book, ate, slept, sun-baked and the best thing was that the wifi in the hotel didn’t work and it didn’t bother me at all.
This holiday, with sunshine and no wifi gave me the space to rest my brain. That is the only way I can describe it. Again I know I am very lucky to be in a position to do this but it is what I needed. Now I’m not saying that everything is magically better, no they are not better but I feel things have shifted and that is all I need.
On a side note, other things I learnt on this holiday is that people are totally cray cray when it comes to buffets and pool chairs. People take these things very seriously! I hope you are all having a great summer and if you are on the opposite side of the world in the height of winter, stay warm.